Yesterday I found this piece I wrote at the end of one of my trips home to Jo’burg in 2013.
And so my “holiday” here is drawing to a close. South Africa carries on as always. Little has changed, some new buildings, some more decay. The people are the same, they just accept and carry on. Shrug their shoulders and move on. Some are happy, some are not.
This time around I feel like an outsider. My friends and family are all moving on as we are. We just are not directly part of each others lives anymore. We catch up on news, but the closeness is not as it was. We are drifting apart in some ways.
Even though I know my way around and remember everything, it doesn’t feel like home anymore. I don’t belong here anymore. Paths are diverging and life moves on. Some feel more distant than others. I almost feel lost.
There is only ‘now’, this moment. Every one is doing their now thing and we are not realizing it. The past is gone and just memories remain. We may see some people again, but nothing is or will be the same. That is done and dusted, we are only in the now.
It is almost a feeling of desolation to realize this. Almost a feeling of being lost. You are you in this moment alone. Those around you are in their moment alone. You relate in some way, do things together, yet you are alone in it all. You are you.
Be comfortable in yourself – that’s all there REALLY is! Do for you and be you. You can have intimacy for a moment with someone special and then it is gone. You can feel hate toward someone and then it is gone. People come and go in your life, only you are constant in yourself, and yet you are not! You are only in this moment, past is gone and future does not exist. You can imagine what it may be, but there is no certainty. Just this moment is certain and then it is gone.
Do not dwell on what was. Do not dwell on what may be. Make plans yes! but do not expect it to be reality, it may be, it may not be.
Focus on what lies within, what you feel is right for you. Focus on being happy and content. Focus on love, peace, harmony.